Dear Brother Bear
Dear Brother Bear: Advice for the Every Day Bear
Dear Brother Bear,
I’m writing to you to get your advice on a personal matter that I’ve been debating with friends about for a few days now. I’ve been having a friend with benefits situation with a young man who is 16 years my junior, he’s 24 and I’m 40. He’s also a chaser and I’m what I guess some call a chub. When we first got together it was just for hot sex and long cuddle sessions in front of the TV. That’s been for roughly six months now. More recently, he’s been making noise about us becoming more serious and saying he wants more than sex. I enjoy his company and we have a good time, though sometimes the age difference crops up and I find myself feeling more like a mentor or father(!) than a lover. There’s also a significant financial difference between us as well, as I’m well into my career and he’s still in college while working retail on the side. While these differences bother me a little, I ask myself would I feel the same way if I were a straight man dating a younger woman and I doubt if I would. My friends say it would be silly for me to engage this young man for anything more than sex and that he’s probably looking for a sugar daddy and that he and I wouldn’t last long term once he and I both reached certain ages. And, then where would I be? I don’t think he’s playing me for a fool, but I worry that might be my ego and pride talking, and I’m a YOLO kinda dude when it comes to dating, as there are no guarantees regardless of age. Should I just allow myself to have this experience and enjoy it for what it’s worth, for however long it lasts? Or, should I take my friends’ advice and end it now before anyone gets hurt. I doubt he’ll stick around for more FWB now that he’s put his feelings out there. What should I do?
Signed,
May/December Blues
Dear May/December Blues,
Let’s start with feelings because that’s where we will end – you talk about a lot of practicalities but at no point do you discuss how you feel about him. Enjoyable sex is an important thing and if that’s working for you, I don’t see why you should stop. Age and financial disparities can be taxing on any relationship. At the end of the day the question you must ask yourself is “do you want something more serious with this man?” The answer may not be simple for you to wrap your head around but that’s the fundamental question being asked here. You can work through differences and gauge what his life trajectory and expectations look like compared to yours but if you have not answered that fundamental question before doing so, you will not have set yourself or your friend up for success.
I also want to encourage you to think about relationships other than the typical 1:1 relationship. From your description, it sounds like a Daddy/boy relationship is already a possibility between the two of you, but the secret sauce to that is still a romantic, intimate relationship. Polyamory might also be an option if you want to pursue someone else as a primary partner, but would like to continue to enjoy the company of your friend with benefits. I would suggest checking out the book More than Two by Book by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux to learn more about polyamory. Ethical Slut is also a classic in this space. This three part series from MetroSource gives an overview of Daddy/boy relationships, https://metrosource.com/how-to-be-a-gay-daddy/. I would also recommend the relevant chapters in the book LeatherSex by Joseph W. Bean.
I would challenge you to think about what forms of romantic, intimate relationships make sense for you in conjunction with answering the question about your feelings for your FWB. These two pieces of information will allow you to understand how you feel and give you a path to move forward. You feel me?
Yours in brotherhood,
Brother Bear
Dear Brother Bear,
I’m 30 years old and a cub. I came out a lot later than some, at age 28. It’s been two years, and I really struggle to fit in with the gay life. I don’t really understand femme guys. Everyone seems to be really into talking shit about each other and talking about how they gay community ain’t shit but drug addicts and hoes. I don’t do drugs and I only drink socially. I’m not feeling sleeping with a lotta dudes, though I do get horny just like the next guy and give in sometimes to temptation just so I don’t feel so lonely all the time. I’m a regular, church-going Christian and also more of a sports and gamer kinda dude in my spare time. Making new, gay friends among other brothers has been hard at this age, since most people I run into already have who they’re comfortable hanging out with. And, I haven’t really been out that long or able to find brothers interested in what I’m interested in. I tried going to the bars and clubs to meet people, but everyone was already in their cliques, skinny or muscular, and seemed to be stuck on themselves. One time I overheard a dude I tried to talk to just to make conversation in a bar, not because I wanted him or anything, walk away after about 10 minutes to make jokes with his friends that “the fat bitch thought he had a chance, and that he stunted on that bitch for a cocktail.” It felt like he slapped me in the face. I left and that was the last time I went to that bar. Trying to break through all the gay attitude to make friends or meet someone feels like an impossibility to me right now, and it’s all admittedly got me a bit depressed. I mean, what was the point of coming out, if I’m coming out to bullshit like this. I thought it was supposed to “get better,” but all I can see is it getting worse. What advice do you have for someone like me to help me get unstuck? I’m starting to feel like coming out and trying to connect with others in the life was a big, big mistake.
Signed
It Ain’t Get Better
Dear It Ain’t Get Better,
I know I shouldn’t say this because some will be offended, but queens can be mean. You should stand strong and be proud of the decision that you have made to come out and accept who you are. I want to thank you for having the courage to do so, and for reaching out to the column. Your observations are valid but there is more to the community than what you have encountered so far and so many subcultures for you to fall into. You don’t have to be like them. You can be gay and out, and still be true to your personal values.
I actually can’t think of a better venue for you to be asking this question than on the Black Bear Brotherhood website. For one, you will learn about and potentially meet other brothers like yourself through this site or one of our local chapters.
Let’s actually start there with something to get you unstuck. Depending on where you live, I would recommend checking out the Black Bear Brotherhood chapter nearest you. If there isn’t a chapter near you, [please check our resources for other similar groups that may be in your area.] I would recommend attending one of two types of events: a small event where you know at least one other person and can mingle everyone; or a larger event with dozens of folks.
One thing that has worked for me in the past when attending large events is to pick the friendly extrovert out of the crowd and become friends with them. They will introduce you to a wealth of new people during the event if you stick close to them, and you might just make a new friend for life. They probably also have good recommendations on places to go and upcoming events to attend.
I do want to address your depression. I hope that if you truly feel depressed that you are reaching out to family/friends or mental health professionals. The following links may be of use as well:
https://www.nami.org/find-support/lgbtq
https://www.cdc.gov/msmhealth/mental-health.htm
https://www.lgbtdetroit.org/gethelp
You’re looking for Cheers (I’m sure the theme song will start playing in your head in a moment) and you can find it. Next we speak, I hope that it has gotten better and you’ve found a place in the community where everyone knows your name.
Yours in brotherhood,
Brother Bear